*Game? Who ever thought to call this hellish ordeal a game? This is not fun. This is an anxiety-filled suck hole.
Tonight seemed like a good night to get some things that are weighing me down off my chest. Not that my problems will really go away, but writing it out has proven to be somewhat cathartic. Lately, I have been playing a game of tug of war with time–and somehow am stressed by either side winning. On one hand, I want it to be the end of March so that I can have some answers which will give me direction as to where my life will go next. On the other hand, the knowledge that I only have two and a half months of my college career left absolutely terrifies me, and all I want to do is cling to the people I love and hope that time stands still while the pieces fall together. I’m not ready to even think about not seeing these people every day. So, I’m just not going to think about that quite yet. Jumping back to the side of wanting March to be fast forwarded is finally hearing back from a grad school. Any grad school. Usually, I am all for riding the wave and taking life as it comes, and the unknown doesn’t bug me. This is absolutely not the case in this situation. Not knowing what I will be doing in my life in the very near future is scary, and I don’t really have a back up plan as to what I will do if I don’t get in. For a short period, I had the mindset that I had done what I could and that it was now out of my hands. While that fact remains, my mindset is a hell of a lot different. With questions about if I got in (not yet), where my number one choice is (anywhere. someone accept me, please), and what my back up plan is (it is already been established that I do not have one), I can’t help but question if what I did was enough. It also doesn’t help being reminded that I have not heard back yet when I hear about friends getting in. Which, I am not lying when I say I am incredibly happy for them and extremely proud of them. I am also not lying when I say it is a tad bit easier when they are not in the same program as me. It may sound selfish, I know, but hey, I’m only human. I was talking with my friend Sara tonight about our current uneasiness about the unknown, our growing sentimentality, and our kick ass group of friends. Which, I find myself thinking about frequently these days. I am so beyond lucky to have these amazing people in my life. They are my biggest support system, and I could not thank them enough for it. (You too, mom and dad.) Until I figure out what is in store for the next chapter in this crazy life, I am going to dance with reckless abandon and hold on for dear life to these people that I love. That’ll be my story for a little bit, and I know that with these goons we will make plenty more memories in the time we have left at our home at Rockhurst. Also, quick side note: If there is a stressed out senior waiting to hear back from grad school, do not say, “You’re fine, don’t worry, you’re going to get in!” Seriously, please don’t. That does not ease the anxiousness at all. It just sets in another layer of worry that you may not get in when so many people were sure of you. I know, you’re trying to be nice and supportive. I get it. Just say you’ll send some good vibes our way or you’re thinking about us. Saying don’t worry just does not cut it. Always, Molly
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AuthorJust a twenty-something attempting to create the illusion that I have a clue what's going on... Archives
May 2017
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